The end of an era - lost her but found myself

Why am I taking time to forget? It was a bad dream, I consider it to be. Time and again, every other event that happens around me, the most commonest of common things, reminds me of her. And the brain immediately swings into action, lest the heart starts sobbing again. It was the 15 years celebration here in Infosys. A girl, a cute, pretty girl was talking on her cell phone and smiled at something. I dont have to do anything with that girl or her subject of smile in this mortal world, but it hit me. Straight in the heart. The shreds of broken mirror can only bring out blood and pain. But that smile brought along tears. I had heard that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. True, but sometimes beauty is painful when it accompanies emotions. Till last day, I called myself a very practical guy with no place for emotions. But now it seems that I am the only one emotional in this entire world. My world.."jahan main aur meri tanhai batein kiya karti hain".

 

Pain sometimes cause great changes. Its not as great in my case but can be called significant. I have started ignoring everybody around me. Always lost in my thought, sometimes staring blankly at the computer screen, I have become more audacious, better to say blunt and rude. Not good for me, but the lingering ache slithering in my nerves doesnt let me settle down. Whenever I feel that it has subsided a bit, a smile on those lips, or the look in those catlike eyes does away with the newly found feeling of forgiveness. Its odd that I try to ignore those looks but my own eyes keep searching for those looks in eyes of others for someone, those lips smiling when somebody is talking, sense or nonsense.

 

Foregiveness. Its not her fault, neither mine. But the situation is to be blamed. Why did I ever ask her to plan? Should have spent time with my buddy, or simply could have flied directly to Bangalore. But no. When destiny wanted me to come to terms with reality, it had its own way. I somehow dont get along with couples who are interested in each other. And destiny had to somehow push my own friend into it. That too with hurting my sentiments and feelings. I agree that she was close to my heart. But why on earth did the things happened in the way it did.

 

Nevertheless, being a firm believer of "Whatever happens, happens for my own good", I plan to move along with life. Sail with the happiness, swim against the tide, fly with the winds, and face the storms. Sometimes I wonder, "what is the difference between Love and devotion?". I guess love provides you momentary happiness and, devotion, eternal joy. I intend to love her in my thoughts to be happy and devote my life to that happiness to gain eternal joy. I intend to be the happiest person in the world.

A flurry of thoughts

There are many thoughts going on in my mind these days which makes me feel uneasy. When I get up in the morning, the first thought that crosses my mind is that my life wont be the same in near future. Today my only concern after waking up is to get ready and reach office. But once I quit the Infosys and join the rest of the world, my first concern would be to find business for that day. Ofcourse, I will be sacrificing the insurance of a smooth life that a job in Infosys provides, but then the risk I am taking will provide me with something that I find missing from my life currently.

 

Today, my life revolves around Infosys. Around 13 hours is spent in office everyday which includes bereakfast, lunch and dinner along with work. Any contact with the world outside is through internet, access to which is restricted. Sometimes I feel like a frog in the well who claims to see the entire world, his world, in one glance. I want to get out of this well called Infosys where there are thousands of frogs like me claiming the same. I want to breathe in the open, do with my day as I please. I want to meet people, people from various backgrounds of life. I want to explore and exploit their experience in different walks of life which is not possible here in Infosys as I am continuously reminded that I am  one of the software engineers, who knows a little about computers, among thousands of the same specie who inhabitate this place call Bangalore.

 

There is a saying "To get something, you have to sacrifice something". Once I enter the world I am talking about, I no longer will enjoy the economical security that a job provides. I know beforehand, how much money will be credited to my bank account and I can plan my expenditure accordingly. But once out I cannot predict whether I will earn one rupee or a lakh on any given day. This is not a problem at  present as I am single. A bachelor can live out of suitcase if the need be. But I am soon going to be married, married to a stranger. I have no idea how will she react or what her behavior will be, if unfortunately, I am not able to earn earn enough bread. I can evade the responsibility that I have towards my self, but cannot stand the accusation of irresponsibilty towards my family. Here goes my dilemma.

 

Whether to foresake the sanctuary of a job for the family, or to forsake this artificial world to satisfy my own ambitions. I am currently thinking of the later and most probably will take that path. Only time will tell whether I took the correct decision or was culpable of irresponsibility towards family.

The indecison

Ottawa, Sunday, 26th November

 

I dont know why am I writing this piece. I cant call this a mail as I dont think I am going to send it to anyone. Nor am I a member of any blog or forum where you speak out in the void, where your voice reverberates till eternity. Its just to capture my thoughts so that they are not lost unheard. Its irony that nobody is going to hear it, but still it will be heard. Heard by my other mind.......

 

these days my mind is running unexpectedly fast. Its like a man who is not hungry but thirsty and searching for water. Every passing moment is taking him a step closer to death. He is runing fast, searching in avenues and places where he hasnt gone till date. My condition is a bit different. The man knows what he needs. I dont. Days in & out, I have been thinking of wat do I need in life. Thoughts keep wandering in all possible directions, but everytime I fail to get a conclusive answer. Time is fast fading out. Life has come to an abrupt halt.

 

Since the day I was born, I am getting things very easily. I never had to fight hard for anything. After travelling on an easy straight road of life for past 24 years, I now stand at a junction where this straight road is divided and goes into many directions. The ease and smoothness is no longer there. Now, its the time for decision. Let me spell out the roads.

 

The frirst road is the traditional one where I marry, have kids, and continue living the same life I am living now. Agreed that I do feel the need of a partner, but I am not yet ready to take up the responsibilities of a family.

 

The second one is to continue with my studies, which further divides into MBA, or M-Tech.

 

The third one says, start your own business.

 

Fourth, leave everything. Start social work. You dont need much money to sustain yourself. If you are not good for yourself, atleast be beneficial for the society.

 

There are many other crossroads as well which I dont fully know about. I guess I am wandering away from the topic......

Coming back to it.........but I am lost. I forgot. My mind is devoid of any thoughts. I will have to start all over again. This is causing immense pain. My heart is already crying. I am sobbing with every breathe. Help me out, Someone, in the dark, please come to light and guide me through these troubled waters. I am dying, my very existence is at stake. Please..........